90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes