Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
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Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.