I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
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hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.