Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
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instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m giving up ice.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work