When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
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Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
This cat wants you to take your pills
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here