IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
You Might Also Like
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Squirrels before girls.