Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
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What the hell happened in there??
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨