If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
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Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?