“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
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there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
this has to be peak English
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Message from the dog groomers
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.