Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
You Might Also Like
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
british sex workers really pound for pound