Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
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People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.