I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
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Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
real
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache