Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
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[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Erm…