Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
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Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
can’t bark with your mouth full
cat faces on other animals, a thread
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too