It’s tough getting user casket reviews
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I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.