6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist