You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants