“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.