we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
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My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?