Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
You Might Also Like
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Very good! 👍😂
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes