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Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you