jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
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Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Me trying to look natural in photos
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
you will never know the true number of layers
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*