I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My flabber has been gasted.
My Sentiments Exactly
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage