You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos