Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
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[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.