Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Practicing safe sax
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Yup.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks