I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
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I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Time heals everything 🙂
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!