Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
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So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?