My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.