I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha