The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
When he asks for feet pics
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: