*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already