If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”