[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
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[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Wednesday
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.