Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
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My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I love wikipedia
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?