His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”