*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
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Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?