Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
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When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.