Motion detecting home security camera working well!
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Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
🤣🤣🤣
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in