7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
You Might Also Like
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.