Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
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Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.