If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
😆this is so true
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.