[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
We have a winner.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Bro what is this
That’s fair
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”