Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
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Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Netflix and you sit over there.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics