Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
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boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?