A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
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interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
umm…
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Herpes is trending, good job people
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
2022 will be better than 2021
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.