That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.