ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
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I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.