Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
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I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco