Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
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Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*